Date girl who is not out?

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Jaga
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Date girl who is not out?

#1

Post by Jaga »

Would you date a girl who is not open about her sexuality? In other words the relationship would only you two know about

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#2

Post by Guest »

No. Thankfully, I live in a city or country where I don’t ever have to contemplate considering such a person.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#3

Post by Guest »

Jaga wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 12:27
Would you date a girl who is not open about her sexuality? In other words the relationship would only you two know about
No. Im out and I used to date closeted and it was really hard. And I told myself I was never going back to the closet for anyone.

My current gf was not out to her fam before we met and before we started dating I told her I don’t like to come back to the closet for her so if she has no plans of introducing me to her fam, we can just stop at being friends.

Guest
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#4

Post by Guest »

Yes, I like secrets.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#5

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 14:33
Yes, I like secrets.
:lol:

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#6

Post by Guest »

Jaga wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 12:27
Would you date a girl who is not open about her sexuality? In other words the relationship would only you two know about
I would not date a girl. When it comes to women, why not? It might be intriguing.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#7

Post by Guest »

I had a 4 year relationship with someone who for the first 8 months I was her dirty little secret. Was not a fun ride and I do believe the fact I had to hide myself contributed to the demise.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#8

Post by Guest »

Sure, why not. A lot of people here are not publicly out. Because there are bad repercussions, and you can lose your job. People are largely only out to their group of open-minded straight friends (if they have any open-minded ones) and they are usually out on internet social media, largely on the lesbian/bisexual side of social media.

The only type I won't date is the self-hating sort, who hate being gay and wish to turn straight. There are many who are not out, but are comfortable or happy being gay. Like myself. :lol:

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#9

Post by Guest »

No, fuck that, I'm way too old for that immature shit. (I will make it clear that I live in a gay friendly country with legal gay rights.)

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#10

Post by Guest »

If she was just not out to her parents/family then yes, that's fine. But if she was closeted to everyone, even her friends, then no I wouldn't date her.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#11

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 13:35
Jaga wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 12:27
Would you date a girl who is not open about her sexuality? In other words the relationship would only you two know about
No. Im out and I used to date closeted and it was really hard. And I told myself I was never going back to the closet for anyone.

My current gf was not out to her fam before we met and before we started dating I told her I don’t like to come back to the closet for her so if she has no plans of introducing me to her fam, we can just stop at being friends.
Was her family homophobic or was she just scared to tell them?

Guesthdjdmskks
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#12

Post by Guesthdjdmskks »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 17:11
If she was just not out to her parents/family then yes, that's fine. But if she was closeted to everyone, even her friends, then no I wouldn't date her.


I think maybe this too cause having her parents talk about her maybe boyfriends in front of me or her friend stalking about guys that like her it would not be healthy for both of us.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#13

Post by Guest »

Guesthdjdmskks wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 21:03
Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 17:11
If she was just not out to her parents/family then yes, that's fine. But if she was closeted to everyone, even her friends, then no I wouldn't date her.


I think maybe this too cause having her parents talk about her maybe boyfriends in front of me or her friend stalking about guys that like her it would not be healthy for both of us.
She would most likely just not introduce you to her family and friends. You would never meet them. But you could introduce her to your lesbian friends and hang out with them. Or maybe she herself has lesbian friends who she keeps separately from straight friends and her family.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#14

Post by Guest »

I couldn't having a relationship with another woman that only we knew about, unless we were literally in high school. I'm fairly young so I don't know any closeted lesbians, even if they're not out to their families their friends for sure know.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#15

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 21:48
I couldn't having a relationship with another woman that only we knew about, unless we were literally in high school. I'm fairly young so I don't know any closeted lesbians, even if they're not out to their families their friends for sure know.
Lots of gay people are hiding their sexuality from everyone friends included.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#16

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 21:51
Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 21:48
I couldn't having a relationship with another woman that only we knew about, unless we were literally in high school. I'm fairly young so I don't know any closeted lesbians, even if they're not out to their families their friends for sure know.
Lots of gay people are hiding their sexuality from everyone friends included.
I mean yeah I was also that person, it took years but eventually I came out to my friends and some extended family members. It's just not fair to hide your relationship from the entire world unless you lived in some horrible country.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#17

Post by Guest »

This thread is discouraging. I'd love to be out, but I live in a small town and word gets around. My dad is the only person in the world I don't want knowing I'm lesbian. He's nearly 80, and it might kill him, or he might kill me idk. Everyone else can get fuck out of my life if they have a problem with it.

guestoit
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#18

Post by guestoit »

Guest wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:26
This thread is discouraging. I'd love to be out, but I live in a small town and word gets around. My dad is the only person in the world I don't want knowing I'm lesbian. He's nearly 80, and it might kill him, or he might kill me idk. Everyone else can get fuck out of my life if they have a problem with it.
So you dont meet any women and live single as long as your dad is alive?

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Shelby
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#19

Post by Shelby »

Have sex with, not date :gaypimp:
My pronouns are Cash/App and Venmo/me

guestoit
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#20

Post by guestoit »

Shelby wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:37
Have sex with, not date :gaypimp:
We had a scandal in my country where a soccerplayer found out his wife was having an affair with a woman so he went out with it to emberass her.Since it is a conservative country he really destroyed her life :/

so that can be dangerous

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#21

Post by Guest »

guestoit wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:43
Shelby wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:37
Have sex with, not date :gaypimp:
We had a scandal in my country where a soccerplayer found out his wife was having an affair with a woman so he went out with it to emberass her.Since it is a conservative country he really destroyed her life :/

so that can be dangerous
Just curious - what were their names?

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#22

Post by Guest »

guestoit wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:43
Shelby wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:37
Have sex with, not date :gaypimp:
We had a scandal in my country where a soccerplayer found out his wife was having an affair with a woman so he went out with it to emberass her.Since it is a conservative country he really destroyed her life :/

so that can be dangerous
So you think being in closet means married to a man? You're fucked up.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#23

Post by Guest »

guestoit wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:33
Guest wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:26
This thread is discouraging. I'd love to be out, but I live in a small town and word gets around. My dad is the only person in the world I don't want knowing I'm lesbian. He's nearly 80, and it might kill him, or he might kill me idk. Everyone else can get fuck out of my life if they have a problem with it.
So you dont meet any women and live single as long as your dad is alive?
This is what most closeted lesbians do.
Anyway, it's up to each and every one of us to choose when to come out. without any pressure. From other lesbians too.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#24

Post by Guest »

Would you date a girl who is not open about her sexuality? I did it and it was one of the worst experiences of my life, this person was very toxic :mask:

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#25

Post by Guest »

I really come from a bubble in LA. I don't even think anyone is not out. I am fine with not meeting her family for a long time. Meeting the family makes me very nervous.

Geek88
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#26

Post by Geek88 »

I am not out, some people know about me... I am 33 living with my mom, but I do work, have my car and support the family house.

I just do not talk about it since I do not have a gf, it is does not add or make any difference in my life... If I ever get a gf, I do plan to talk to my family about her, but in my terms, if she wants to make me feel less or not worthy just because I am not out... She can GTFO. My life, my terms! She is supposed to understand me not to put pressure on my for something is more about me than her.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#27

Post by Guest »

I too am not out so it’s fine by me

guestoit
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#28

Post by guestoit »

Guest wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 16:02
guestoit wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:43
Shelby wrote:
14 Jun 2021, 15:37
Have sex with, not date :gaypimp:
We had a scandal in my country where a soccerplayer found out his wife was having an affair with a woman so he went out with it to emberass her.Since it is a conservative country he really destroyed her life :/

so that can be dangerous
So you think being in closet means married to a man? You're fucked up.
No i was just talking about a case the woman is obviously bisexual and her ex husband was butthurt

shit,read!!
I also think there must be married lesbians out there who are not out? at least in some countries where it is forbidden to even think about homosexuality

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#29

Post by Guest »

If she’s my dream girl, I don’t care if the rest of the world doesn’t know that we are in a relationship.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#30

Post by DazzlingNova »

I wouldn’t mind dating a woman who isn’t out, but at the same time, she can’t be in a situation where she’s being pressured by family, to get a bf or husband either. That would just make the situation awkward and hard. I don’t have any issues about meeting her family or not meeting them, because I’d be dating “her”, and not “her family”.

I get what Geek88 means. For me (i’m in my mid 30s), I’m in a special kinda situation with my family (I live with my parents and sister). I’ve had a rare disability since I was 12 years old (non fatal thank goodness), so I have to heavily depend on my family quite a bit. I’m “partially” out, my sister knows (she’s good about it), my mom knows (she’s in denial about it), but my dad and 2 older bothers don’t.

Like you I really don’t talk about it since I don’t have a girlfriend yet. When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll let my sister know (she’s literally my bff), but I’ll keep it from everyone else. I wouldn’t keep quiet about her forever. That’s one reason, along with many others, as to why I’m trying to be an “entrepreneur”. That way, I’ll be able to move out (along with my sister), and tell my dad and brothers (I just don’t want to say anything to them while I’m still living at home, and in the same small town). The only one I really care about liking and knowing my girlfriend is my sister. Everybody else can like it or not.

I also agree, if my gf feels I’m not worthy enough just because I’m only partially out, and she won’t be able to “meet my whole family”, just my sister, then she can hit the road. If she can’t be with me on my terms, then its just a waste of time and energy for both of us. And pressure is something I don’t want put on me.
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#31

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
09 Jun 2021, 12:30
No. Thankfully, I live in a city or country where I don’t ever have to contemplate considering such a person.
So in Happiest Season you'd dump MacKenzie Davis bc she wasn't out to her conservative family.

Geek88
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#32

Post by Geek88 »

DazzlingNova wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 11:26
I wouldn’t mind dating a woman who isn’t out, but at the same time, she can’t be in a situation where she’s being pressured by family, to get a bf or husband either. That would just make the situation awkward and hard. I don’t have any issues about meeting her family or not meeting them, because I’d be dating “her”, and not “her family”.

I get what Geek88 means. For me (i’m in my mid 30s), I’m in a special kinda situation with my family (I live with my parents and sister). I’ve had a rare disability since I was 12 years old (non fatal thank goodness), so I have to heavily depend on my family quite a bit. I’m “partially” out, my sister knows (she’s good about it), my mom knows (she’s in denial about it), but my dad and 2 older bothers don’t.

Like you I really don’t talk about it since I don’t have a girlfriend yet. When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll let my sister know (she’s literally my bff), but I’ll keep it from everyone else. I wouldn’t keep quiet about her forever. That’s one reason, along with many others, as to why I’m trying to be an “entrepreneur”. That way, I’ll be able to move out (along with my sister), and tell my dad and brothers (I just don’t want to say anything to them while I’m still living at home, and in the same small town). The only one I really care about liking and knowing my girlfriend is my sister. Everybody else can like it or not.

I also agree, if my gf feels I’m not worthy enough just because I’m only partially out, and she won’t be able to “meet my whole family”, just my sister, then she can hit the road. If she can’t be with me on my terms, then its just a waste of time and energy for both of us. And pressure is something I don’t want put on me.

Hey I totally agree with you. I hate how the community put this much pressure on you for being someone they want others to be... If you are too fem or too masculine they do not approve you. They have certain standard you have to meet in order for them to like you including being out enough.

A rs is too much effort and energy to put all that into someone who is coming to your life to dictate how you need to deal with yourself. I like being alone and only if someone is worthy I am willing to try otherwise she can stay away from me with no problems. She is doing both a big favor. I like women that are good people, hard working and those you can admire for how much they overcome in their life.

Just saying I met a girl a few months ago who was partying every day she only put picts of her drinking,no chemistry at all, but she wanted to try.. I could not care less if was out or not, she was simply not for me. She was 31 BTW... I did not see myself learning anything from her... At this point my partner (if I ever have one) need to grow and learn with me... Not have time for someone wanting me to come out to be considered "wife material"

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#33

Post by DazzlingNova »

Geek88 wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 21:36
DazzlingNova wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 11:26
I wouldn’t mind dating a woman who isn’t out, but at the same time, she can’t be in a situation where she’s being pressured by family, to get a bf or husband either. That would just make the situation awkward and hard. I don’t have any issues about meeting her family or not meeting them, because I’d be dating “her”, and not “her family”.

I get what Geek88 means. For me (i’m in my mid 30s), I’m in a special kinda situation with my family (I live with my parents and sister). I’ve had a rare disability since I was 12 years old (non fatal thank goodness), so I have to heavily depend on my family quite a bit. I’m “partially” out, my sister knows (she’s good about it), my mom knows (she’s in denial about it), but my dad and 2 older bothers don’t.

Like you I really don’t talk about it since I don’t have a girlfriend yet. When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll let my sister know (she’s literally my bff), but I’ll keep it from everyone else. I wouldn’t keep quiet about her forever. That’s one reason, along with many others, as to why I’m trying to be an “entrepreneur”. That way, I’ll be able to move out (along with my sister), and tell my dad and brothers (I just don’t want to say anything to them while I’m still living at home, and in the same small town). The only one I really care about liking and knowing my girlfriend is my sister. Everybody else can like it or not.

I also agree, if my gf feels I’m not worthy enough just because I’m only partially out, and she won’t be able to “meet my whole family”, just my sister, then she can hit the road. If she can’t be with me on my terms, then its just a waste of time and energy for both of us. And pressure is something I don’t want put on me.

Hey I totally agree with you. I hate how the community put this much pressure on you for being someone they want others to be... If you are too fem or too masculine they do not approve you. They have certain standard you have to meet in order for them to like you including being out enough.

A rs is too much effort and energy to put all that into someone who is coming to your life to dictate how you need to deal with yourself. I like being alone and only if someone is worthy I am willing to try otherwise she can stay away from me with no problems. She is doing both a big favor. I like women that are good people, hard working and those you can admire for how much they overcome in their life.

Just saying I met a girl a few months ago who was partying every day she only put picts of her drinking,no chemistry at all, but she wanted to try.. I could not care less if was out or not, she was simply not for me. She was 31 BTW... I did not see myself learning anything from her... At this point my partner (if I ever have one) need to grow and learn with me... Not have time for someone wanting me to come out to be considered "wife material"
That’s interesting especially with so many people that are telling you to just “be yourself”. You really can’t be yourself if you are being put in a “standardized” box. For me, being yourself also means being honest about the situation you’re currently in with your life, doesn’t have to be heavily detailed like a resume, but just sharing basic daily life kinda stuff. I don’t understand the concept of being “out enough”, as long I’m out to the people I feel count, I shouldn’t have to get on a megaphone and scream it out loud. Plus, I’m a private person anyway.

Yeah dictatorship in a relationship is a one way ticket to “have a nice life and goodbye”. I get what you mean because a person can do “bad on their own”. Good point, I like women that fit those qualities as well, maybe that’s the reason why I’ve always been drawn more to older women. I’m not saying that women around my age or younger don’t have those, but I think those qualities might be found a little more commonly with older women than younger ones. I tend to be a very driven and determined person, especially when I set my mind to it.

I’m not into that partying drinking everyday stuff either, drinking a little here or there at social events I can give a pass to, as long as it’s not being abused. There’s been and still are alcoholics in my family, and that’s one of the major reasons why I don’t drink alcohol.

At the time I didn’t know I was being pressed into “coming out”, but there was this woman I met online. Things started of friendly, and started to escalate more and I really liked her a lot. We got along so well together, but before things got any deeper, she wanted to know if I were out. I told her no I wasn’t, but people weren’t pressing me to get a boyfriend or husband etc., but she didn’t care. She told me she didn’t feel comfortable being with somebody who wasn’t out at all, and said we should just stop seeing each other right then. She got offline and that was it, the next week or so was agonizing for me because I was in a constant battle within myself. I was scared about saying anything, I didn’t know what would happened etc. I was a mess and all I could think about outside my fears was her. So I gathered up the courage and told my sister first. It went surprisingly well because she told me she always knew I was different and she could pick up on something about me, but she just didn’t know what, she hugged me and told me it was ok, and thanked me for sharing that with her. I felt a huge amount of relief from that. So that next day I told my mom, and she passed out literally, which took me by surprise, and when she came back to, she’s been going in out of denial abut me every since. So I told no one else after that scene.

Eventually the woman answered my messages when I told her I did it sorta, that I partially came out. When we talked, she was happy and excited for me, and I instantly wanted things to pick back up where they left off. But to my dismay, she had got back together with her ex-girlfriend, come to find out I was just a rebound thing initially, and she didn’t expect to like me as much as she did. She went on to tell me that any woman would be lucky to have me etc. etc. I was devastated, but I pretended not to be, and wished her well. Every since then, non of my online romances have gone too far, but I don’t dwell on it.

I agree, a healthy and fulfilling relationship will only occur once you two learn and grow together as a couple. With some women putting so much heavy adamant emphasis only on you being “out”, it makes it seem that the other parts of the relationship doesn’t really mean as much as being “out”, and you’ll just have to cross those problems and bridges when you get to them.
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#34

Post by Guest »

It really depends on so many factors. My parents are awful people, so even if they were cool with me being gay, I still wouldn't bring my girlfriend around. My aunt, uncle, and their children all know I'm a lesbian so they are essentially my surrogate family and have brought past girlfriends around to them. Sure I might not be out to my parents because they're insane lunatics, but I have other family that knows. I'm also out to everyone besides my parents as well. If someone is that keen that my parents know, I'd reconsider. I haven't felt ready to be completely disowned yet, it's quite a scary thing.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#35

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
16 Jun 2021, 02:48
It really depends on so many factors. My parents are awful people, so even if they were cool with me being gay, I still wouldn't bring my girlfriend around. My aunt, uncle, and their children all know I'm a lesbian so they are essentially my surrogate family and have brought past girlfriends around to them. Sure I might not be out to my parents because they're insane lunatics, but I have other family that knows. I'm also out to everyone besides my parents as well. If someone is that keen that my parents know, I'd reconsider. I haven't felt ready to be completely disowned yet, it's quite a scary thing.
This is where I'm at too. My friends know and the other important people in my life know, but I haven't explicitly come out to my parents yet because I'm afraid of their reaction. The right woman is worth the honest, and a whole relationship with your parents is still a lot to lose. That's holidays, random visits, weekend dinners, birthdays, phone calls, and so much more that has to be given up. It's heart wrenching.

Guest
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#36

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
16 Jun 2021, 02:52
Guest wrote:
16 Jun 2021, 02:48
It really depends on so many factors. My parents are awful people, so even if they were cool with me being gay, I still wouldn't bring my girlfriend around. My aunt, uncle, and their children all know I'm a lesbian so they are essentially my surrogate family and have brought past girlfriends around to them. Sure I might not be out to my parents because they're insane lunatics, but I have other family that knows. I'm also out to everyone besides my parents as well. If someone is that keen that my parents know, I'd reconsider. I haven't felt ready to be completely disowned yet, it's quite a scary thing.
This is where I'm at too. My friends know and the other important people in my life know, but I haven't explicitly come out to my parents yet because I'm afraid of their reaction. The right woman is worth the honest, and a whole relationship with your parents is still a lot to lose. That's holidays, random visits, weekend dinners, birthdays, phone calls, and so much more that has to be given up. It's heart wrenching.
Yeah I had an ex that didn't understand this at all. My parents were also abusive to me, so it was even weirder for her to understand why I couldn't just tell them to go to hell and that I'm gay. Uh yeah...it's easy to say "fuck your parents" when you have a family that loves and cares for you. My parents were never my "support system" but the thought of losing that constant in my life terrified me. As I said they're terrible people, but I guess a part of me also gets angry that when I tell them, I'll be disowned and called a horrible daughter when they're the horrible ones. I don't want to walk around with that on my shoulders yet.

My cultural background also isn't the best with dealing with family expectations. I'm also super close with my grandmother, and I doubt I'll tell her while she's alive. It's all very complicated but should be left up to the individual to decide what will be best for them. And frankly, it's a lot of shit for a girlfriend to be a part of and you have to be EXTREMELY understanding to get it. People think they understand dysfunctional families until they actually meet one. If I find someone that wants to marry me and is in it for the long haul, then I'll face being disowned.

Geek88
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#37

Post by Geek88 »

DazzlingNova wrote:
16 Jun 2021, 02:43
Geek88 wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 21:36
DazzlingNova wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 11:26
I wouldn’t mind dating a woman who isn’t out, but at the same time, she can’t be in a situation where she’s being pressured by family, to get a bf or husband either. That would just make the situation awkward and hard. I don’t have any issues about meeting her family or not meeting them, because I’d be dating “her”, and not “her family”.

I get what Geek88 means. For me (i’m in my mid 30s), I’m in a special kinda situation with my family (I live with my parents and sister). I’ve had a rare disability since I was 12 years old (non fatal thank goodness), so I have to heavily depend on my family quite a bit. I’m “partially” out, my sister knows (she’s good about it), my mom knows (she’s in denial about it), but my dad and 2 older bothers don’t.

Like you I really don’t talk about it since I don’t have a girlfriend yet. When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll let my sister know (she’s literally my bff), but I’ll keep it from everyone else. I wouldn’t keep quiet about her forever. That’s one reason, along with many others, as to why I’m trying to be an “entrepreneur”. That way, I’ll be able to move out (along with my sister), and tell my dad and brothers (I just don’t want to say anything to them while I’m still living at home, and in the same small town). The only one I really care about liking and knowing my girlfriend is my sister. Everybody else can like it or not.

I also agree, if my gf feels I’m not worthy enough just because I’m only partially out, and she won’t be able to “meet my whole family”, just my sister, then she can hit the road. If she can’t be with me on my terms, then its just a waste of time and energy for both of us. And pressure is something I don’t want put on me.

Hey I totally agree with you. I hate how the community put this much pressure on you for being someone they want others to be... If you are too fem or too masculine they do not approve you. They have certain standard you have to meet in order for them to like you including being out enough.

A rs is too much effort and energy to put all that into someone who is coming to your life to dictate how you need to deal with yourself. I like being alone and only if someone is worthy I am willing to try otherwise she can stay away from me with no problems. She is doing both a big favor. I like women that are good people, hard working and those you can admire for how much they overcome in their life.

Just saying I met a girl a few months ago who was partying every day she only put picts of her drinking,no chemistry at all, but she wanted to try.. I could not care less if was out or not, she was simply not for me. She was 31 BTW... I did not see myself learning anything from her... At this point my partner (if I ever have one) need to grow and learn with me... Not have time for someone wanting me to come out to be considered "wife material"
That’s interesting especially with so many people that are telling you to just “be yourself”. You really can’t be yourself if you are being put in a “standardized” box. For me, being yourself also means being honest about the situation you’re currently in with your life, doesn’t have to be heavily detailed like a resume, but just sharing basic daily life kinda stuff. I don’t understand the concept of being “out enough”, as long I’m out to the people I feel count, I shouldn’t have to get on a megaphone and scream it out loud. Plus, I’m a private person anyway.

Yeah dictatorship in a relationship is a one way ticket to “have a nice life and goodbye”. I get what you mean because a person can do “bad on their own”. Good point, I like women that fit those qualities as well, maybe that’s the reason why I’ve always been drawn more to older women. I’m not saying that women around my age or younger don’t have those, but I think those qualities might be found a little more commonly with older women than younger ones. I tend to be a very driven and determined person, especially when I set my mind to it.

I’m not into that partying drinking everyday stuff either, drinking a little here or there at social events I can give a pass to, as long as it’s not being abused. There’s been and still are alcoholics in my family, and that’s one of the major reasons why I don’t drink alcohol.

At the time I didn’t know I was being pressed into “coming out”, but there was this woman I met online. Things started of friendly, and started to escalate more and I really liked her a lot. We got along so well together, but before things got any deeper, she wanted to know if I were out. I told her no I wasn’t, but people weren’t pressing me to get a boyfriend or husband etc., but she didn’t care. She told me she didn’t feel comfortable being with somebody who wasn’t out at all, and said we should just stop seeing each other right then. She got offline and that was it, the next week or so was agonizing for me because I was in a constant battle within myself. I was scared about saying anything, I didn’t know what would happened etc. I was a mess and all I could think about outside my fears was her. So I gathered up the courage and told my sister first. It went surprisingly well because she told me she always knew I was different and she could pick up on something about me, but she just didn’t know what, she hugged me and told me it was ok, and thanked me for sharing that with her. I felt a huge amount of relief from that. So that next day I told my mom, and she passed out literally, which took me by surprise, and when she came back to, she’s been going in out of denial abut me every since. So I told no one else after that scene.

Eventually the woman answered my messages when I told her I did it sorta, that I partially came out. When we talked, she was happy and excited for me, and I instantly wanted things to pick back up where they left off. But to my dismay, she had got back together with her ex-girlfriend, come to find out I was just a rebound thing initially, and she didn’t expect to like me as much as she did. She went on to tell me that any woman would be lucky to have me etc. etc. I was devastated, but I pretended not to be, and wished her well. Every since then, non of my online romances have gone too far, but I don’t dwell on it.

I agree, a healthy and fulfilling relationship will only occur once you two learn and grow together as a couple. With some women putting so much heavy adamant emphasis only on you being “out”, it makes it seem that the other parts of the relationship doesn’t really mean as much as being “out”, and you’ll just have to cross those problems and bridges when you get to them.

Damn! I am sorry that things did not work out with that girl. It was the best IMO.

I have to understand that maybe being out is a really important part for some people, in my case it is not. Even if I come out to my parents and family my background and country is too complicated to be out. You literally feel safer and secure being in the closet or partially in the closet.

My ex gf was in an 9 year rs with her ex and everyone knew about them and they got along very well with their family. And she felt nervous about being with me for not being out, she did not want my parents to hate her because of me. But while we were together that topic did not cause too much problems because we understood each other.

Mutual understanding is key.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#38

Post by Guest »

What if she is in other country far away of her family , open about her sexuality with her friends , team wokr but she is not open with her family ?

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DazzlingNova
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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#39

Post by DazzlingNova »

Geek88 wrote:
17 Jun 2021, 03:44
DazzlingNova wrote:
16 Jun 2021, 02:43
Geek88 wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 21:36
DazzlingNova wrote:
15 Jun 2021, 11:26
I wouldn’t mind dating a woman who isn’t out, but at the same time, she can’t be in a situation where she’s being pressured by family, to get a bf or husband either. That would just make the situation awkward and hard. I don’t have any issues about meeting her family or not meeting them, because I’d be dating “her”, and not “her family”.

I get what Geek88 means. For me (i’m in my mid 30s), I’m in a special kinda situation with my family (I live with my parents and sister). I’ve had a rare disability since I was 12 years old (non fatal thank goodness), so I have to heavily depend on my family quite a bit. I’m “partially” out, my sister knows (she’s good about it), my mom knows (she’s in denial about it), but my dad and 2 older bothers don’t.

Like you I really don’t talk about it since I don’t have a girlfriend yet. When I do get a girlfriend, I’ll let my sister know (she’s literally my bff), but I’ll keep it from everyone else. I wouldn’t keep quiet about her forever. That’s one reason, along with many others, as to why I’m trying to be an “entrepreneur”. That way, I’ll be able to move out (along with my sister), and tell my dad and brothers (I just don’t want to say anything to them while I’m still living at home, and in the same small town). The only one I really care about liking and knowing my girlfriend is my sister. Everybody else can like it or not.

I also agree, if my gf feels I’m not worthy enough just because I’m only partially out, and she won’t be able to “meet my whole family”, just my sister, then she can hit the road. If she can’t be with me on my terms, then its just a waste of time and energy for both of us. And pressure is something I don’t want put on me.

Hey I totally agree with you. I hate how the community put this much pressure on you for being someone they want others to be... If you are too fem or too masculine they do not approve you. They have certain standard you have to meet in order for them to like you including being out enough.

A rs is too much effort and energy to put all that into someone who is coming to your life to dictate how you need to deal with yourself. I like being alone and only if someone is worthy I am willing to try otherwise she can stay away from me with no problems. She is doing both a big favor. I like women that are good people, hard working and those you can admire for how much they overcome in their life.

Just saying I met a girl a few months ago who was partying every day she only put picts of her drinking,no chemistry at all, but she wanted to try.. I could not care less if was out or not, she was simply not for me. She was 31 BTW... I did not see myself learning anything from her... At this point my partner (if I ever have one) need to grow and learn with me... Not have time for someone wanting me to come out to be considered "wife material"
That’s interesting especially with so many people that are telling you to just “be yourself”. You really can’t be yourself if you are being put in a “standardized” box. For me, being yourself also means being honest about the situation you’re currently in with your life, doesn’t have to be heavily detailed like a resume, but just sharing basic daily life kinda stuff. I don’t understand the concept of being “out enough”, as long I’m out to the people I feel count, I shouldn’t have to get on a megaphone and scream it out loud. Plus, I’m a private person anyway.

Yeah dictatorship in a relationship is a one way ticket to “have a nice life and goodbye”. I get what you mean because a person can do “bad on their own”. Good point, I like women that fit those qualities as well, maybe that’s the reason why I’ve always been drawn more to older women. I’m not saying that women around my age or younger don’t have those, but I think those qualities might be found a little more commonly with older women than younger ones. I tend to be a very driven and determined person, especially when I set my mind to it.

I’m not into that partying drinking everyday stuff either, drinking a little here or there at social events I can give a pass to, as long as it’s not being abused. There’s been and still are alcoholics in my family, and that’s one of the major reasons why I don’t drink alcohol.

At the time I didn’t know I was being pressed into “coming out”, but there was this woman I met online. Things started of friendly, and started to escalate more and I really liked her a lot. We got along so well together, but before things got any deeper, she wanted to know if I were out. I told her no I wasn’t, but people weren’t pressing me to get a boyfriend or husband etc., but she didn’t care. She told me she didn’t feel comfortable being with somebody who wasn’t out at all, and said we should just stop seeing each other right then. She got offline and that was it, the next week or so was agonizing for me because I was in a constant battle within myself. I was scared about saying anything, I didn’t know what would happened etc. I was a mess and all I could think about outside my fears was her. So I gathered up the courage and told my sister first. It went surprisingly well because she told me she always knew I was different and she could pick up on something about me, but she just didn’t know what, she hugged me and told me it was ok, and thanked me for sharing that with her. I felt a huge amount of relief from that. So that next day I told my mom, and she passed out literally, which took me by surprise, and when she came back to, she’s been going in out of denial abut me every since. So I told no one else after that scene.

Eventually the woman answered my messages when I told her I did it sorta, that I partially came out. When we talked, she was happy and excited for me, and I instantly wanted things to pick back up where they left off. But to my dismay, she had got back together with her ex-girlfriend, come to find out I was just a rebound thing initially, and she didn’t expect to like me as much as she did. She went on to tell me that any woman would be lucky to have me etc. etc. I was devastated, but I pretended not to be, and wished her well. Every since then, non of my online romances have gone too far, but I don’t dwell on it.

I agree, a healthy and fulfilling relationship will only occur once you two learn and grow together as a couple. With some women putting so much heavy adamant emphasis only on you being “out”, it makes it seem that the other parts of the relationship doesn’t really mean as much as being “out”, and you’ll just have to cross those problems and bridges when you get to them.

Damn! I am sorry that things did not work out with that girl. It was the best IMO.

I have to understand that maybe being out is a really important part for some people, in my case it is not. Even if I come out to my parents and family my background and country is too complicated to be out. You literally feel safer and secure being in the closet or partially in the closet.

My ex gf was in an 9 year rs with her ex and everyone knew about them and they got along very well with their family. And she felt nervous about being with me for not being out, she did not want my parents to hate her because of me. But while we were together that topic did not cause too much problems because we understood each other.

Mutual understanding is key.
Thanks. Yeah it probably was for the best, because I wouldn’t know how much control her ex-girlfriend would have over her. For all I’d know, what if we got into an argument or something, she would easily probably run to her ex.

I can see why its important for some people, but they must take into consideration, that being out isn’t as high of an importance for everyone. Sometimes it’s not so bad being in a “glass closet”. Some people prefer it that way, especially ones who are private. I get what you mean, to an extent in my town (I live in america) it’s somewhat easier to come out as a gay man parse than a lesbian. Being “partially out” or in a “glass closet” is a more easier way for lesbians here.

That’s a good example, in the case of your ex girlfriend, the “glass closet” worked for her. I suppose she didn’t know the kind of connection you had with your parents, and if your parents hated her, you probably would to. I see, and I agree, mutual understanding is key.
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#40

Post by DazzlingNova »

Guest wrote:
17 Jun 2021, 03:56
What if she is in other country far away of her family , open about her sexuality with her friends , team wokr but she is not open with her family ?
Hmm...That doesn’t seem like a problem to me. Hypothetically speaking, we are in a relationship, it wouldn’t bother me that your family doesn’t know. I’m with you and not them. I feel you’re out to enough people, friends, colleagues, ones who hold significant importance in your life. Issues would only arise, if your family wants to apply pressure on you into getting a boyfriend and eventually marrying him. And I’m not knowing how strong of a bond you have with your family, would start to question if you would tell them about our relationship if they got to the point of being too overbearing, or fall under the peer pressure from them and maybe consider what they're saying.
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#41

Post by Guest »

I’m out to my parents and friends, but I’m not out to my extended family. I’m pretty sure some of them suspect because of the absence of boyfriends, but no one knows for sure. They are not extreme bigots like “homosexuality is a sin and all gays must die”, just casual homophobes. Some even like non-threatening equality messages online. I don’t know why I’ve taken this thing so far, if I had come out years ago everyone would be used to it by now. Well, I actually know why: it’s my pathological fear of rejection. Sometimes I fool myself saying I don’t own anyone a big coming out moment, but there were plenty of times homosexuality was the topic and I said nothing, or listened to homophobia quietly.
I live in a big city and they are in a small town, and I feel like I have these two lives. My family doesn’t know I’m gay and my friends don’t know I’m not out to them. They would be so shocked, because it’s so out of character to me (well, the character they know). I’m embarrassed to be in the closet, it feels so coward. What a joke!
Since I live away from my family, it doesn’t affect my life that much. There’s only one thing that bothers me, the only important person in my life that doesn’t know, my cousin. She loves me so much and confides in me, and she thinks it’s reciprocal (the love part is, but the other one... not at all). It feels so treacherous. At first I was embarrassed to be gay, now I’m embarrassed of lying/twisting/omitting stuff for almost a decade. She’s a kind, accepting person, but things were SO different ten years ago around here. There was no visibility and I had no way of knowing how she would react. Well, now I know that in the inevitable moment she will find out, she will feel very betrayed. Then you have me postponing this moment indefinitely and only making it worse.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#42

Post by DazzlingNova »

Guest wrote:
17 Jun 2021, 07:18
I’m out to my parents and friends, but I’m not out to my extended family. I’m pretty sure some of them suspect because of the absence of boyfriends, but no one knows for sure. They are not extreme bigots like “homosexuality is a sin and all gays must die”, just casual homophobes. Some even like non-threatening equality messages online. I don’t know why I’ve taken this thing so far, if I had come out years ago everyone would be used to it by now. Well, I actually know why: it’s my pathological fear of rejection. Sometimes I fool myself saying I don’t own anyone a big coming out moment, but there were plenty of times homosexuality was the topic and I said nothing, or listened to homophobia quietly.
I live in a big city and they are in a small town, and I feel like I have these two lives. My family doesn’t know I’m gay and my friends don’t know I’m not out to them. They would be so shocked, because it’s so out of character to me (well, the character they know). I’m embarrassed to be in the closet, it feels so coward. What a joke!
Since I live away from my family, it doesn’t affect my life that much. There’s only one thing that bothers me, the only important person in my life that doesn’t know, my cousin. She loves me so much and confides in me, and she thinks it’s reciprocal (the love part is, but the other one... not at all). It feels so treacherous. At first I was embarrassed to be gay, now I’m embarrassed of lying/twisting/omitting stuff for almost a decade. She’s a kind, accepting person, but things were SO different ten years ago around here. There was no visibility and I had no way of knowing how she would react. Well, now I know that in the inevitable moment she will find out, she will feel very betrayed. Then you have me postponing this moment indefinitely and only making it worse.
I don’t know what my extended family would think, because most of them are very religious (one is a minister, one is an evangelist, and the other is an evangelical). Thinking on it, my family doesn’t even discuss nor bring up homosexuals. As long as your immediate family knows your gay, if I were one of your friends, it wouldn’t matter to me if your extended family knew or not. You shouldn’t feel embarrassed or like a cowardly joke, you’re being too hard on yourself :hug:

I was terrified to say anything to my sister about being a lesbian, but things turned out good for me with her. I think maybe you could be over thinking how your cousin would react? Maybe mention a few “scenarios” involving gay people and see what she says. You could possibly think of a creative way to do that. If she ask why you keep mentioning these “scenarios”, let the silence do the talking so to speak. And in that sense you tell her before the “inevitable moment” happens.
"We were given: Two hands to hold. Two legs to walk. Two eyes to see. Two ears to listen. But why only one heart? Because the other was given to someone else. For us to find."

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#43

Post by Guest »

Yes. And also cos I’m not out. I didn’t say it’s gonna be easy but I will obviously mention this during early stages so she can bail if she doesn’t want to put up with this.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#44

Post by Guest »

Not unless there were some really extenuating circumstances. I’m not at a point in my life where I have time or patience to be walking on eggshells.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#45

Post by Guest »

What if she’s out to her family who is supportive of her previous relationships but she can’t come out publicly because of her work?

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#46

Post by Guest »

My younger self could have tolerated it, like back in college. But after the age of 30, I would not go back to dating anyone who is scared to go on dates in public and does not have at least one friend they are out to. This is a personal preference of mine, I completely understand people who need to stay closeted for safety reasons and think they should continue to keep their physical safety a priority. I just prefer to date women who are more confident about themselves.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#47

Post by Guest »

Nope, I'm not going to waste my time on someone who is clearly not at the point where they can afford the luxury of a same-sex relationship. Het breeding is free for all; wholesome same-sex love is a valuable privilege, not a right.

Stay where you're safe at, don't miss the black Friday dildo clearance.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#48

Post by Guest »

I believe I posted in this topic. But yes, I’m fine with dating someone who isn’t out. The types that would jive with me are cool anyway. For the others, we won’t be dating, so that’s fine.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#49

Post by Guest »

I think I could only date someone who is closeted. My situation is that I can’t ever come out so I think a relationship would only work if it was with someone in the same situation. It would be completely unfair of me to pursue someone who is out.

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Re: Date girl who is not out?

#50

Post by Guest »

Guest wrote:
13 Oct 2022, 08:00
I think I could only date someone who is closeted. My situation is that I can’t ever come out so I think a relationship would only work if it was with someone in the same situation. It would be completely unfair of me to pursue someone who is out.
why can't you ever come out?

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